She slinked through the dark hallways, the cover of the utter lack of color spiked her blood with confidence, she wouldn't get caught. She knew the house well, she had been in it many times not only in reality years ago but in her dreams every night, as well. There was something buried in these walls, her subconcience had told her as much, but what, she didn't know. A chill pricked her skin as she passed a door on her left and she backed up until her skin was covered in goosebumps, clenching her teeth until it hurt, she opened the door with a creak. She stood still in the doorway for a moment, wishing her eyes would adjust, though there was no light change.
Cold air ran over her body and a shiver racked through her bones, pulling at the immenent black hole's rigid edges, trying to pull something from her memory that had been long since forgotten. No, not forgotten, taken. She would've never just forgotten everything she had known, no. She could still feel the ghosts of the memories, every time one was triggered a sense of deja vu proceeded to wash over her, though she never remembered the memory itself. Now, she was feeling that exact thing, like pulling thread through a wound rememberance gnawed at her nerves. She wanted so badly to remember, but all she got instead was a hollow aching in her heart and mind.
Proceeding into the pitch room she wished she had thought ahead and brought a flashlight, though the other part of her supressed the thought quickly, she would've been noticed if she had entered the abandoned house with any source of light. The wood floor creaked under her weight quietly as if to warn her not to proceed any further, but it was already too late. The light had suddenly shifted, though nothing had changed at all, as if when she had blinked that a film had slid over her eyes to help her navigate in the dark. As soon as it happened, though, she wished to only tear out her eyes and sprint out of the house and hope to have her memories stolen away again so she could never remember this.
In the corner of the small room, next to the wood shuttered closet, laid a bloody mess of burning images that tore at the black hole in her mind, seeming to set the hole itself into a blistering inferno. She wanted to scream as the images burned into her mind, replacing a story that had been shredded away on purpose. In the corner of that room, which she suddenly recognized and that placed more fear in her than anything, was a burning stockpile of her memories. Moving images, like small t.v's playing back her old thoughts, though they looked as flat and thin as pictures.
It was as if someone had punched her in the stomach and she couldn't think or breathe clearly, the burning in her mind freezing her in place, but the lack of oxygen dizzying her. All within a heartbeat a shadow turned in the corner next to the bleeding and seething pile, his eyes were hollow but filled with white lights, the rest of him a mere silloquette that formed a man shaped body. His glance crippled her heart and devoured her soul in an instance, sending her to her knees though she couldn't remove her eyes from his. Her heart contracted painfully as the memories seared through the folds in her brain with a new frenzy, tainting the images she couldn't focus on with tar, blackening the good times and darkening the ones that were already black. She wanted to scream as he took a silent step toward her but she felt lost inside of her own body, trapped in a pool of recognition, want, pain, and remorse.
As he came closer, she crippled further, as if the invisible weight of his glance was crashing down upon her and snapping her bones on purpose, as if he wanted her to die. Suddenly his intentions were clear as a face emerged from the black ink that dripped off of his skin. The familar beautiful face was smiling at her, though his lovely eyes were still the terrible light, giving his once peaceful face a terryfying edge. Remorse and want flooded her veins like boiling water and she was aware of the hot tears that streaked down her face as rain did in a summer monsoon. She didn't know why though, why was she so sad and afraid for this man? The hollowness ached despite the flames, it's echo sending a new kind of exhaustion through her and shattering her confidence, despite the agony she needed to remember. She would remember.
As if a firecracker exploded in her head, her vision lit up with fireworks that colored a scene much different from the one she was in, or had been exposed to for years.
Warm summer air swirled around her, sitting on the bench next to him. She knew his name, she remembered repeating it to herself after they had first met, it had almost become a chant to her, because those letters jumbled into that one name had given her so much joy her heart had felt like it had sprouted wings and could fly away at any moment and time. But she wouldn't say it out loud, no, she wouldn't even form the name in her head any more, it had become sacred, like speaking God's name, it was better described as a breath of air because the essence of the person couldn't be barred by mere letters.
His dark brown hair ruffled in the warm breeze, the sunset behind him seemed to create a halo of light around his hair and he looked exactly like the angel she had developed him to be in her head. His angled jaw was raised proudly over his cotton button up shirted chest, his ocean blue eyes sparkling at her as if she was an angel herself. Her cheeks got hot as he took her hand, though it had not been the first time, and leaned in, his thin lips parting slightly and sending his words in a sweet smelling whisper.
"I lov-" She wanted to scream for him to stop, to keep the memory from proceeding. She knew what would happen, fear stabbed into her heart in wish to prevent it, but it was already done. The words gurgled to an end, blood pouring from his still smiling lips as his sparkling blue eyes faded to the dull ash colored she had remembered them as in her worst memories. He fell to her lap, his dark crimson blood staining her dress and her heart alike, but instead of turning away like she should've, she grasped him. Tugging on the fabric of his shirt and begging, she buried her face in his honey smelling hair letting her tears dampen it's color.
"You have to come back!" She screamed, still unable to speak his name, it burned behind her lips. She wanted to call out to him, to let him know she still missed him, that she still wanted him more than anything. More than life itself-
"Say it," He said in his perfectly toned voice, sucking her back to reality, the memory she gripped in her hands burning into ashes, stinging her fingertips. She whirled her head towards him, the truth of him being there one more time sent her body to shaking violently.
"Castiel. Castiel, Castiel, Castiel." She cried out through her shaking frame, the words sending her heart into a pounding rythym that had been lost for what felt like decades. His thin lips curled at the corners into a faint smile, the light that blinded the color in his eyes dissapating slowly, and she held her breath for the outcome. As the light faded though, she realized she had made a mistake, for the color underneath wasn't a color at all. Blackness as dark as the room itself replaced the blazing light and she felt as though someone had taken her heart and torn it straight out of her chest, leaving her to bleed on the floor for eternity.
"Come with me, darling, have you missed me?" He said, offering her his hand and she took it, though every instinct was commanding her to shrink away.
"More than anything," she whispered, though his face had contorted into something less than it's original flawless form.
"I lov-" blinding light tore apart the reality she had known, though it hadn't been reality at all.
"Is she stable? Is she stable?" A shrill voice yelled from somewhere far away, strained with panic. Her body was convulsing, she could feel the unnatural spasms through the numbing in her veins.
"Her eyes are rolling, she's reacting to the medicine!" another voice said, though this was apathetic, as if talking about a corpse.
"The memories.." She gasped, though she didn't know if they could hear her, it was like speaking with a cloth bunched up and shoved into the mouth. She was caught up in the caccoon of pain, the memory of losing her lover as terrible as the first time, but not even the memory was what was killing her, but the fact that she had lost him a second time. Why couldn't she just hear the words? The words she had painted he would say in her mind so many times before.
"She remembers! More morphine, more of everything!" The once apathetic voice screamed in panic.
"That will kill her brain, Micah, you know that!" The shrill voice said, closer now.
"No, we don't know anything. All I know is that she remembers something about the murder, and if we want to get the information she has to get back in there!" The man's voice argued back loudly.
"No, no, no!" She screamed, and she could feel the tears coming down her face. Everything was dissappearing, she couldn't remember his face anymore, not his eyes or his smile. Even the feeling of love and grieving were dissappearing. "No don't I can-" but everything was gone, the hollow hole was back again and spreading through her limbs, though she could feel her body flail in rejection to the medicine.
There was only one word that had remained through all of the pain and hollowness she had known, though. A word she recognized as a name though she couldn't remember who it belonged to or why it was so important, other than the fact that it proved she still knew something. She had never repeated it, because it was something sacred she never wanted the doctors to be able to take away, though she didn't know what they were searching for or why they destroyed her every time she came back to them, she knew this was a secret she had to keep. A secret she would only whisper to the utmost highest of angels if the circumstance needed it.
Castiel.
